Awful Anecdotes
by Phish Tacko
Summary: This will be a series of short vignettes chronicling the Quagmire triplets' time at Prufrock Prep. Rated for language later on.
1. First Impressions

**I'm not really sure where I'm going with this, so I'm just going to have fun and see where it goes. These vignettes will be in more or less chronological order. Rated for cuss words later in the story.**

 **Disclaimer: ASOUE belongs to Lemony Snicket.**

* * *

"Well, I don't know about you, but I think we might've hit rock bottom."

Isadora glanced at her brother. He had seated himself on a bale of hay and was leaning against the wall.

"Gee, what makes you say that?" She responded. Her voice dripped with sarcasm.

"This place." Duncan stared despairingly at the ceiling, where a fungus looked to be in the beginning stages of development. "I had no idea one place could be so depressing. I seriously thought Nero was joking when he said we would be staying here."

"Guess not." Isadora sat down on her own hay bale and followed Duncan's gaze. "Do you think they decorated this way intentionally? You know, to go with the whole 'Memento Mori' thing? Because this place looks like somewhere you'd go to have a heroin overdose."

"At this point, nothing would surprise me." He sighed. "Oh well. I hope everything else here is okay. Did you get a chance to look this place up?"

"No, did you?"

"No, that's why I asked you. I feel like I should have at least been able to google this place."

"I dunno, it's a pretty obscure school. A Google search probably wouldn't bring anything up." Isadora thought for a moment. "Maybe they also do that thing Disney does where they request that Google take down information that makes them look bad."

"I thought that was myth."

"Nope."

"Didn't you hear about that in an urban legend you read?"

"Yeah." Isadora shook her head. "Whatever, it happens. Maybe Prufrock has such a good reputation because of its social media presence."

"Maybe." Duncan's gaze shifted to the floor. A small crab was slowly crawling across the doorway. "Maybe I'll do some research into the school's history. You know, in my spare time."

"Good luck with that." Isadora rolled her eyes. "I get the feeling that we'll find out what this place is really like soon enough. If our interaction with Nero is any indication of how our year is going to go, it's going to suck."

"Well, we don't know that. Looks can be deceiving."

"Looks can be deceiving? There was a drug deal going on in the parking lot."

"…Yeah, that's true."

"And did you see that old Commodore on Nero's desk? It's probably been sitting there since the 70s."

"Yeah, it is pretty dated." Duncan looked at his watch. "Well, on that note, it's 11:15, so we should probably head to the cafeteria so we're not late."

"Okay."


	2. Sodexo

**I don't own Sodexo or ASOUE.**

* * *

"Well, at least the food looks decent."

"Yeah, it doesn't look half bad." Isadora glanced down at the slab of chicken on her tray. "Not enough seasoning for my taste, but at least it doesn't look like it'll give us food poisoning."

"Yeah, this looks all right." Duncan took a whiff of the food on his tray. "Maybe this won't be so bad after all. If we can find a place to sit down, we might actually be able to enjoy this."

"Maybe." Isadora craned her neck to see if she could find any empty seats, but she didn't see any. "Do you see any seats?"

"Not yet." Duncan's eyes scanned the cafeteria before the fell on two empty seats next to a girl with curly red hair. "Oh! There's a couple."

They approached the girl and were about to ask if they could sit down when she suddenly turned toward them with a nasty scowl on her face.

"Don't even think about it, cakesniffers!" She picked up her backpack and dumped it into the seat next to her. "This table's full!"

"Yeah, the table's full!" A blonde girl with box braids and large gold hoop earrings sneered.

"Sorry." Duncan took a step back.

"We don't want any cakesniffing orphans over here!"

"Yeah! Cakesniffing orphans from the orphans' shack!" Everyone at the table began to chant and pound their fists on the table.

"Okay, okay! We're leaving!" Duncan backed away and Isadora followed suit.

Eventually, they found a quieter spot on the floor near the back of the cafeteria.

"What's their problem?" Isadora grunted as she sat down. "It's not like we insulted their families."

"I don't know." Duncan sat next to her. "Some people are just looking for a fight."

"I hope most of the others are okay."

"Yeah, me too."

There were a few minutes of silence as they dug into their lunches.

"Mmmm." Duncan took another bite of chicken.

"Good?"

"Nope. How about yours?"

"I can already feel the indigestion."

"Me too."

There was a pause.

"Wanna go compare our schedules?"

"I thought you'd never ask."

They got up, dumped their trays, and headed for the library.


	3. Schedules

**I don't own ASOUE.**

* * *

"Mine is Homeroom, pre-algebra, Spanish, team sports, psychology, nonfiction workshop, and then government. Yours?"

"Homeroom, French, dramatic literature, team sports, computer science, the metric system, and economics."

"Man, this sucks!" Duncan groaned. "Our schedules are practically opposite!"

"I'll say."

"It would've been nice to have more than one class together."

"At least gym will suck less. There's that." Isadora held up her schedule. "Who'd you say you had for homeroom?"

"Remora." Duncan glanced at his schedule. "You?"

"Bass."

"What about second?"

"I've got Marsh for second, Crawford for third, lunch, gym with Tench, Torrance, Bass again, and then Bates."

"Crud. I've got Gray, King, Tench, Hockstetter, Remora again, and White."

They placed the papers with their schedules side by side and silently compared them.

"At least we have lunch." Isadora remarked. "Lunch and gym."

"Yeah, small mercies."

"We know we won't go completely crazy here."

"God, I hope not." Duncan folded his schedule and shoved it into the pocket of his uniform blazer.

"We won't. Things are bad, yeah, but who knows? We may decide we like it here."

"Yeah, we'll see." Duncan glanced at his watch. "Oh crap. We've gotta go."

"What?"

"It's 12:55. We're going to be late for gym."

Isadora groaned.

"Let's get this over with."


	4. Gym Class

**I don't own ASOUE.**

* * *

The Quagmires were somewhat dismayed to find out that Prufrock apparently lacked a gymnasium. They were even more disappointed when they realized that they would be pursuing their physical education outside, where it had become uncomfortably hot and humid.

After retreating to their respective locker rooms to change into their gym clothes, they met on a concrete basketball court with the rest of the class. Isadora couldn't help but notice that they were very close to the parking lot where she and her brother had seen the drug dealers earlier.

Meanwhile, Duncan couldn't help but notice that most of the other students seemed much older than he and his sister. He began to wonder if they were in the wrong class. After all, most of these pupils had to be at least 16, whereas he and Isadora were barely 13. There had to be some mistake.

A sharp whistling noise brought the triplets away from their thoughts.

"All right, listen up!"

Duncan and Isadora turned their attention to the far end of the court, where a tiny Korean woman in gray running shorts and a red 'Prufrock Prep' sweatshirt stood. She had a silver whistle around her neck and was holding a basketball. It didn't take them long to realize that this was Ms Tench.

"Today, we'll be continuing our basketball unit! We're gonna be using everything we've learned so far, so we'll be playing a real game! You all know the drill, shirts versus skins! Let's go!"

There was a collective groan as several of the boys removed their shirts.

"One more complaint, and you'll all be running suicides for a week! Now get moving!" Ms Tench blew her whistle.

Duncan and Isadora exchanged a nervous glance. They didn't know the drill. How could they? They had only been on campus for a few hours.

"You two!"

They turned their attention back to the teacher. She was motioning for them to approach her, which they did.

"You're new here, yes?"

"Yes, ma'am." Duncan replied.

"Duncan and Isadora Quagmire?" Ms Tench read from the clipboard on her arm.

"Yes." Isadora responded.

"Either of you ever play basketball?"

"Uh…" The triplets glanced at one another.

"That's fine. You two look like quick learners, I'm sure you'll figure it out." The teacher pointed her pen at Duncan. "You, skins." She pointed at Isadora. "You, shirts. Got it?"

They nodded. Duncan began to remove his shirt as a slim girl with her shirt tied up to reveal her midriff approached.

"Ms Tench, I have a note saying I can't participate this week 'cause I'm on the rag."

She handed the note to the teacher, who didn't even open it. She merely regarded the girl with an annoyed raise of one eyebrow.

"Nice try, Brenda, but you used that excuse last week."

"But-"

"No buts. If you're really having problems, then maybe you should see a doctor. Now get moving, or you'll be running laps with me after class."

The girl scowled but walked away. Duncan and Isadora followed suit.

 _35 minutes later…_

Ms Tench's whistle sounded.

"Everybody go get dressed! We'll pick up where we left off tomorrow!"

A collective groan of relief swept through the class as they trudged in the direction of the locker rooms. Duncan and Isadora found each other quickly and despite their exhaustion, they still found enough energy to talk.

"Your team kind of sucked." Duncan remarked.

"Shut up. It's not my fault most of the girls wouldn't even run, let alone go for the ball."

It was true. The majority of the shirts team was female, and most of them did not seem to care for physical activity, especially if it meant sweating or entertaining the notion of breaking a nail. Isadora figured that they were just there to either be seen or get a tan, especially considering that they had all altered their gym clothes in some way or another to show more skin.

She, three other girls, and two boys had been the only ones on the team that had put forth any effort to play the game, which had resulted in their defeat. She noted that Ms Tench didn't seem happy about it, either.

"What do you think she's going to do about them?" Duncan asked.

"I dunno, probably make them run laps. She seems to love running."

Duncan snickered.

"Yeah, probably."

Before they could say anything else, they had to split off in the directions of their respective locker rooms.


	5. Moving Out

**I don't own ASOUE.**

* * *

Three semesters passed without much change. Classes remained dull and predictable. The food remained mediocre. Duncan and Isadora remained more or less at the bottom of the social pecking order, but they had finally gotten into the swing of things and were at least able to keep their heads above water.

Then came one fateful Monday.

"I can't believe we're moving to the dorms!" Isadora chattered excitedly as she shoved a pair of socks into a duffel bag. "Finally, some luck!"

"Doesn't it seem a little odd to you?" Duncan asked as he zipped his backpack. "Sudden?"

"Yeah, it's pretty sudden." Isadora paused. "Doesn't make me any less glad, though." She resumed packing.

"Why do you think we're moving out of the orphans' shack?"

"I heard they needed it for something."

"New kids?"

"Maybe. Or maybe they've noticed all the junkies that come by at night and they're moving us for our safety."

"…I think my idea is more likely." Duncan hefted his backpack up and put his arms through the straps.

"Either way, no more meth heads banging on the door at 3 AM. No more crabs, no more dripping fungus, and no more black mold!"

"True."

"Maybe we'll finally get a decent night's sleep."

"Assuming our roommates don't snore."

"Duncan, you snore."

"I do not." Duncan opened the door of the shack and stepped out. Isadora followed suit.

"You do too. You were snoring last night."

" _You_ were snoring."

The banter continued as they walked up the path to the dormitories.

"Which one are you in?" Isadora asked.

"Founders. You?"

"Langston."

They were quiet until they reached Founders. Duncan reached into his pocket and pulled out a key card before turning to his sister.

"So… See you later, then?"

Isadora nodded.

"Yeah."

They shared a brief smile before turning and going their separate ways.


	6. New Kids on the Block

**I don't own ASOUE.**

* * *

The next morning followed the usual routine. Duncan and Isadora met up for breakfast, went their separate ways for their morning classes, and met up again at lunch.

However, lunch proved to be more exciting than usual.

The Quagmires had just sat down and started to eat their lunches when a familiar chant began to reverberate through the cafeteria.

"Cakesniffing orphans in the orphans' shack! Cakesniffing orphans in the orphans' shack! Cakesniffing orphans in the orphans' shack!"

Duncan and Isadora exchanged a side eye and exasperated sighs before craning their necks to see what all the fuss was about. Above the crowd, they could see what looked like three new students: A long-haired girl, a baby, and a boy with glasses. They were standing near Carmelita Spats' table, and had clearly just made a rookie mistake: Never ask to sit with with Carmelita Spats.

"Do you want to handle this one or should I?" Isadora asked in a tired tone of voice.

"I got this one."

Duncan stood up.

"Leave them alone, Carmelita!" He shouted. The new pupils turned to look at him as he left his table and walked over to them. "You're the cakesniffer, and nobody in their right mind would want to eat with you anyway!"

They looked at him as if to thank him for standing up for them.

"Come on." Duncan motioned for them to follow him. "There's room at our table."

"Thank you very much." The girl said as they followed Duncan to the table and sat down.

The Quagmires could finally get a good look at their new comrades. The girl was quite pretty, and she had what looked like a hair ribbon poking up out of her pocket. The baby she was holding had her hair tied up in a little tuft at the top of her head, and she would occasionally pull at the older girl's lapel. The boy was considerably shorter than the girl, and rather thin with delicate facial features.

"I'm Violet Baudelaire, and this is my brother Klaus and our baby sister Sunny."

"It's nice to meet you." Duncan responded. "My name is Duncan Quagmire, and this is my sister Isadora. And the girl who was yelling at you, I'm sorry to say, was Carmelita Spats."

"She doesn't seem very nice." Klaus said. Isadora snorted.

"That's the understatement of the century. Carmelita Spats is rude, filthy, and violent, and the less time you spend with her, the happier you'll be."

"Read the Baudelaires that poem you wrote about her." Duncan elbowed Isadora.

"You write poetry?" Klaus asked. He seemed almost excited.

"Just a little bit." Isadora pulled her notebook out of her pocket. "I write poems down in this notebook. It's an interest of mine."

And thus, a legendary friendship was born.


	7. Fun with Fiction

**I don't own ASOUE. However, Karen See and Kara Abbington are real authors, and I have** **permission to use their names and the titles of their books in this story.**

* * *

After lunch, the orphans made their way to the library, and the Baudelaires had been pleasantly surprised at what they saw.

"This is amazing." Klaus said in wide-eyed wonderment. "I don't know where to start!"

"Neither do I." Violet glanced around at the large number of bookshelves.

"I'm sure you guys will find something you like." Duncan said. "Despite all of Prufrock's flaws, it has an amazing library."

"They carry a lot of independent authors you wouldn't find at places like Barnes and Noble." Isadora added. "And they carry more well-known authors, too!"

"Oh hell yeah." Klaus looked at the Quagmires gratefully. "You guys are the best."

"Don't thank us, thank the librarians." Isadora pointed to the front desk, where an older woman with red hair and a blue sweater was reading a magazine. "They run this place independently."

"Really?"

"Yeah, it's even open to the public. Nobody ever comes in here but students, but that just means more books for us." Isadora pointed. "There's even a computer lab."

"Wow."

"Speaking of computers, I'll be right back. I just need to check the card catalogue." Duncan headed toward the bank of computers on the other side of the library.

"I'll go find something to read to Sunny." Violet headed toward the childrens' section with Sunny cooing happily in her arms. Klaus and Isadora headed in the direction of the nonfiction books.

After about 45 minutes, they met up again at a table near the computers.

"What did you guys find?" Duncan asked.

"I found this book about the Voyager satellites." Klaus held up a thick volume with a blue cover.

"I found a book about sharks for Sunny, and this one." Violet placed two books on the table. One of them had a picture of a great white shark on the cover, and the other had a picture of a woman and man dressed in masks and white clothing, standing in front of an old mansion. The title read, 'From Illusion and Blood'.

"Ooh, good choice. I read that one a few months ago." Duncan slid the book toward him to look at the cover. "This is part of the Knife-Bearers and The Clans series, by Karen See." He slid the book back to Violet. "Did you see her other books over there? She's written a bunch of different ones."

"Yeah, I made a mental note." Violet examined the cover. "I've never actually heard of her, but this looks really good." She put the book down. "What about you, Isadora? What did you find?"

"I found this one." Isadora held up a book with a picture of a dress form and red fabric draped over a clothes horse on the cover. "'Confessions of an Obsessive Amateur Costumer', by Kara Abbington. They finally got it! I've been waiting on this one for weeks."

"That looks interesting."

"It ought to be. I've read her other books, like 'The Prairie Project', and they were all pretty good. Our mom got them for her birthday last year, and she let me read some of them." Isadora looked at the cover of the book some more. "Our dad was more of a horror reader, though. He really liked the 'Shifters' series."

"I liked them too." Duncan added. "'The Cover Story Caper' was okay, but that was more Quigley's style."

"Damn, maybe I should've grabbed more of these." Violet said.

"Nah, it's probably best to check out one book at a time." Isadora said. "Things get pretty busy around here, so you won't have as much time to read as you think. Due dates creep up pretty fast."

"I'll keep that in mind." Violet picked Sunny up and collected her books. "I'm going to go check out, and then drop Sunny off at work."

"I'll go with you." Klaus picked up his book and followed his sisters. "We'll see you guys later!"

"See ya!"


	8. So Much Room for Activities

**I don't own ASOUE. However, I did model the campus calendar after the one at my alma mater. Also, Harry Goldman is fictional.**

* * *

The Quagmires quickly got to know the Baudelaires, and came to learn many interesting facts about the trio. For instance, they learned that Violet was very knowledgeable about science fiction. They discovered that Klaus could do an excellent impression of Gollum. They also learned that Sunny had once beaten a grown woman in a sword fight using only her teeth.

Best of all, they learned that the Baudelaires were trustworthy, and were just as excited about the prospect of new friends as much as they were.

Over the next few days, they did nearly everything together when they could. They ate together, they sat together during Nero's concerts, and they even went to campus events together.

On this particular day, during the break between classes and dinner, they all sat in Isadora's dorm room and pored over a calendar of campus activities.

"Hey, there's an improv show on saturday." Klaus pointed to a square on the calendar.

"Alibaba?" Sunny shrieked, which meant something alone the lines of, "We have an improv troupe?"

"What time is the show?" Violet asked.

"Right after dinner, about an hour before the concert."

"Are they allowed to have an event at that time?"

"Yeah, they are." Duncan replied.

"Nero originally didn't want to let the theater department do anything that might interfere with his violin concerts, but the principal overruled that." Isadora added. "Now he lets them have their shows, as long as he gets to do the music."

"Oh God." Violet groaned.

"Don't worry, it's really just for the plays. Our improv shows don't have music. They're usually pretty good. Duncan and I have been to two so far."

"What are the shows like?" Klaus asked.

"They're usually about an hour long, and they play a bunch of different improv games. Ever see 'Whose Line Is It Anyway'?" Duncan responded.

Violet and Klaus both nodded.

"It's a lot like that, but some of the games have different names. The shows are usually PG-13, but once a year, they do an R-rated show."

"That sounds fun."

"It's great. They like to have a lot of audience participation, too."

"They'll have a situation or an object that they need in most games, so they'll call on pretty much anybody for suggestions." Isadora added. "The more out-there it is, the better."

"Feeze!" Sunny shrieked, which meant something along the lines of, "We are definitely going to that show."

"Agreed." Klaus circled the event with a pencil. "What else?"

"Oh! There's something." Violet pointed to the next square. "Lip synch battle. This could be fun."

"Meh, we went to the last one."

"It wasn't very good." Isadora grimaced at the memory. "There was no variety. They just kept going back and forth between obscure Madonna songs and stuff from the Rocky Horror Picture Show."

"They do love their Rocky Horror here." Duncan rolled his eyes.

Violet and Klaus exchanged a confused glance, but didn't comment further.

"Besides, the paint war was way better." Isadora pointed to a tuesday square. "Last time, the whole student body participated."

"Still not as good as the nerf wars." Duncan pointed to a thursday square. "Now that was fun."

"It wasn't fun for me, I got poison ivy."

"That's what you get for hiding behind Founders. You knew there was poison ivy back there."

"Where else was I supposed to hide? The museum?"

"Wait a minute." Klaus interrupted. "There's a museum on campus?"

"Yeah, it's a room in the administrative building that's open to the public."

"What kind of museum is it?"

"It's basically a shrine. Some politician graduated from here back in the 1930s, so the museum is in his honor." Duncan pulled his notebook out and flipped to a page. "If you google it, you'll find a bunch of things about the Harry Goldman museum."

"Oh, so it's like the Ronald Reagan Museum at Eureka College?"

"Kinda, yeah."

"Yeah, that's not weird at all." Violet smiled uncomfortably.

"No, it's weird, you're definitely right." Isadora agreed. "But I guess he donated a lot of money to keep this place up and running, so it's here to stay."

"Most of it goes to the theater department, I think." Duncan interjected. "They host about half of the events on campus."

"Not that there's anything wrong with that."

"Yeah, they've done some pretty good shows."

"I'll say. Last semester, they did a production of Little Shop of Horrors. I heard they did Rocky Horror two years ago, but I don't think we were here for that." Isadora pointed to a square on the calendar. "In a couple weeks, they're doing a production of Talking With, and I heard they're doing one of Sweeney Todd next semester."

"That sounds interesting." Violet took her pencil out from behind her ear and circled the event Isadora was pointing to. "So, what have we got so far? Improv and Talking With, right?"

"Are we doing the paint war?" Klaus asked.

"Nah." Sunny shrieked, which meant something along the lines of, "Probably not."

"Well, whatever you pick, please don't make us go to the Rocky Horror screening next month." Duncan pleaded.

"Why would we?" Klaus asked, confused. "None of us want to see it."

"Good, because we're sick of it." Isadora made a face. "They do a screening twice a year, and it's all everyone talks about for weeks. It's a huge event."

"…This place is weird." Violet said after a long pause.

"Yeah. It is." Duncan agreed. "It's been like this since before we got here, and it's probably going to stay weird."

"Maybe the motto should be 'Let's Get Weird' instead of 'Memento Mori'." Klaus remarked.

"That's definitely appropriate." Isadora agreed. "This is without a doubt the weirdest school we've ever been to."

"Do they even follow state standards?" Violet asked. "Furthermore, how does this place even pass inspections? There's black mold everywhere and campus is falling apart."

"Prufrock doesn't receive government funding. It's all done through tuition and donations." Duncan flipped to a different page in his notebook. "So, they're pretty much able to do what they want. There are no inspections, no safety standards, no security, and no breaks. We don't even get weekends."

"No weekends?" Klaus looked appalled. "Are you kidding me?"

"How the hell is that okay?" Violet looked vaguely horrified.

"Bushi!" Sunny shrieked, which meant something along the lines of, "This is some serious horseshit."

Duncan and Isadora shared a knowing glance. They'd had similar reactions when they had found that out.

"Yeah, it sucks." Isadora nodded in sympathy. "It's a miracle we even get time to sleep, or eat, or work on homework."

"Not that we could sleep anyway, with the number of meth heads lurking around campus." Duncan shuddered at the memory.

"You guys had that problem too?!" Violet asked.

"Yeah, it was bad."

"We just had that happen to us last night!" Klaus exclaimed. "Some tweaker kept banging on the door and trying to open it."

"Yeah, they'd bang on the door, leave for 10 minutes, and then come back. They kept it up for hours."

"That happens a lot around here." Isadora said. "The orphans' shack is right on the edge of campus, so it's a prime spot for local addicts to get high. There's never anyone close enough to catch them and call the cops, so it's perfect."

"Not that the cops would come anyway." Duncan added. "They never do. Last semester there was a huge fight between a bunch of gang members on campus, and by the time anyone called the authorities, the fight was long over. The cops never showed up."

"That's messed up."

"Yeah, well, it's like some parts of Detroit. We're in an area where the cops won't go, mainly because we're out of their jurisdiction, and they don't want to drive all the way out here."

"We're kind of in the middle of nowhere." Isadora added. "The nearest town is a 40 minute drive. The closest thing to the campus is the convenience store about a mile down the road."

"I remember that store. It's the Shell station with the gross bathroom, right?" Violet asked. Isadora nodded. "Yeah, we stopped there on the way over."

"Too bad nobody here is allowed in there anymore." Duncan muttered. "They were having a lot of problems with Prufrock kids shoplifting, so pretty much all of us are banned."

"Not that we're bitter, or anything." Isadora added before sharing a quick side-eye with her brother.

Violet, Klaus, and Sunny exchanged a confused glance, but said nothing.

"So, who's ready for dinner?" Duncan asked after a long pause.

The Baudelaires and Isadora uttered various iterations of agreement before getting up and leaving for dinner.


	9. Hip Check

**I don't own ASOUE, but I do own Forrest.**

* * *

 _Welp, I'm going to be late._

At this point, Isadora knew it was pointless to try and beat the bell. She had maybe 45 seconds, tops, before it rang.

"Excuse me!"

A familiar voice behind her caught her attention, and a small boy with brown hair sprinted past her. Isadora recognized him as her new friend, Klaus Baudelaire.

 _Oh boy. Now he's caught up to Forrest. Yeah, this'll end well._

Klaus had drastically slowed his pace by the time he caught up to a very fat boy that had at least a foot of height on him. Isadora noticed that he was craning his neck and side-stepping to try and find a way around him, until finally settling on the path of least resistance: the right side, barely skimming the lockers.

Unfortunately, Forrest noticed him.

"Watch it, Tweaker!" He yelled. Klaus barely had time to react before Forrest's hip slammed into him and sent him crashing into a locker. The books in his arms scattered everywhere, and his glasses skittered to a stop against the wall. A few other students laughed, but most of them seemed too busy retreating to their respective classrooms to notice.

As the bell rang, Isadora jogged up to where Klaus had fallen and knelt down next to him while he sat up.

"You okay?" She asked.

"Yeah, I'm fine." Klaus felt for his glasses and put them back on. His nose was bleeding. "What the hell was that?"

"That was Forrest the Fatass. He likes to hip-check people when they try to pass him." Isadora explained as she leaned down to help pick up the papers on the floor.

"Boy, he sounds pleasant." Klaus picked up his Medieval Literature book and shoved it into his backpack.

"He hangs out with Carmelita Spats, if that explains anything." Isadora handed him his Art History book.

"That does explain a lot." Klaus zipped his backpack and stood up. "Thanks."

"Yeah, no problem. Want me to walk you to class?"

"Sure, where are you headed?"

"Room 7. You?"

"Room 8."

They started to walk.

"Is everybody here like that?" Klaus asked.

"Pretty much, yeah." Isadora nodded. "Forrest is a pretty good representation of the kids here. Carmelita Spats is still the worst, but he's a close second."

"How can you get worse than hip-checking people on the way to class?"

"Trust me, it's possible." Isadora lowered her voice. "One thing Carmelita likes to do is take ugly candids of people she doesn't like and put mean comments on them. I'll have to show you her Instagram page sometime. It's awful."

"Ugh, people suck."

"Tell me about it. Duncan and I are featured at least twice a week."

"That's shitty."

"Yeah, but it's not like I can do anything about it." Isadora looked up and checked the numbers of the rooms they were passing. "Well, here's room 8."

"Thanks, Isadora. See you at dinner?"

"See you there."

They split off in opposite directions and went to their respective classrooms.


	10. Campus Kitty

**I don't own ASOUE, but I do own Campus Kitty.**

* * *

"So, what did you say your favorite TV show was?" Duncan asked Violet as they made their way down the path to the cafeteria, where Klaus, Sunny, and Isadora were going to be waiting for them with dinner.

"The original Star Trek series." Violet answered. "Next Generation is my second favorite, then Voyager, and then Firefly and Dark Matter."

"Okay. So you're kind a trekkie, huh?"

"Actually, the proper term is 'trekker'. But yeah, you could say that. Star Trek is the whole reason I wanted to be a starfleet captain when I was little."

"Do you still want to be a starfleet captain?" Duncan asked.

"Nah, I think now I'd settle for being an engineer on the Enterprise. I'm more of a Geordi than a Picard now."

"Too much pressure?"

"Kinda, yeah. I could probably do it, but I'd rather be working in the engine room-"

Duncan looked back at Violet when he noticed that the end of her sentence had been cut off with a startled gasp. She was looking down at the ground, where a very thin calico cat was rubbing against her leg.

"Don't worry. That's just Campus Kitty." He knelt down and held his hand out. The cat turned, sniffed his hand, and let him pet her head.

"Campus Kitty?" Violet raised an eyebrow.

"Yeah, she lives here." Duncan scratched the cat behind her ears and ran his hand down her back. She purred loudly and lifted her back end against his hand. "Some of the cafeteria workers fed her leftover meat one time, and she hasn't left since."

"Oh, yeah. If you feed stray cats, they never leave." Violet knelt down next to Duncan and gently scratched the cat behind her right ear. "That's how we got our cat."

"Oh, you had a cat?"

"Yeah. Before the fire." Violet smiled wistfully. "Klaus found a kitten on the front porch one summer, and it just kind of adopted us."

"You mean you adopted it?"

"No, he adopted us. We gave him some tuna one day, and he kept coming back until our parents finally let us bring him inside."

"What was his name?"

"Klaus thought he would be clever and name him Schrödinger, but we called him Dinger for short."

"How long did you have him?"

"Three years. He disappeared a couple weeks before the fire."

"That sucks."

"Yeah, we're not sure where he went." The cat rolled onto her back, and Violet reached over to scratch her belly. "After he disappeared, it was a rough couple of weeks." She pulled her hand back as the cat nipped at her finger.

They watched the cat roll around on the concrete for a moment.

"We should probably go. We're gonna be late for dinner."

"Yeah, you're right."

They stood up and started to walk.

"So, tell me where you stand on the Kirk vs Picard debate."

"Picard, no question." Violet scoffed.

"Really? Tell me more…"

* * *

When Violet and Duncan walked into the cafeteria, Isadora, Klaus, and Sunny were waiting for them at their usual table.

"There you are. Where have you been?"

"Sorry, we saw Campus Kitty and got distracted." Duncan sat down next to Isadora while Violet sat down next to Klaus.

"Oh, okay."

"There's a cat on campus?" Klaus asked.

"Yeah." Violet nodded. "She's friendly, too. She came right up to me and rubbed against my leg."

"She does that a lot." Isadora said. "If it'll get someone to pet her, she'll do it."

"Aww." Klaus smiled. "She sounds sweet."

"She is. But don't get too cocky; she hates being picked up, and there are some people on campus she doesn't like."

"Let me guess: Carmelita Spats?" Violet raised an eyebrow.

"Exactly. She's had some problems with them in the past, so if she sees or hears them coming, she bolts."

"I don't blame her. I'd like to run every time I see them, too." Klaus shuddered. "Carmelita's voice is like Bernadette Peters on helium."

"I guess Campus Kitty thinks so too, because if she catches the slightest hint that they're nearby, she's gone."

"Smart cat." Klaus remarked.

"Very smart cat." Violet agreed. "If only we could all be like Campus Kitty."

"Oh, if only."


	11. Tie Dealer

**I don't own ASOUE, but I do own Jamal.**

* * *

"Hey, Violet."

Duncan looked up from his notes at the sound of an older boy's voice. It sounded like it was coming from the area where Violet was sitting. She looked up at the boy at the desk in front of hers. He was wearing a bright red tie with white stars.

 _Ah, Jamal._

"You want a tie?"

Violet looked perplexed until Jamal opened his backpack to reveal that it was filled with an assortment of various ties.

 _This is gonna be good._

Duncan turned around in his seat to get a better view of this exchange.

"Here, have this one." Jamal pulled out a red tie with a Starfleet insignia on it. He handed it to Violet before zipping his backpack.

"Uh… Thanks?" Violet continued to look confused as she accepted the tie, folded it, and put it in the pocket of her blazer.

"You're welcome." Jamal turned around and continued to study his notes like nothing had happened.

* * *

"You met that guy too?!" Klaus asked incredulously.

"Yeah, in Remora's class."

"He did the same thing in Torrance's class today." Isadora pulled out a burgundy tie with white diagonal stripes.

"He gave me this one this morning, during Medieval Lit." Klaus reached into his pocket and held up a black and white tie with a piano pattern printed on it.

"What about you, Duncan? Did you get one?" Violet asked.

"Yeah, in Hockstetter's class." Duncan pulled a tie out of his pocket. It was blue with a red, green, and yellow tartan print.

"Hmmph." Sunny harrumphed, which meant something along the lines of, "I wish I had a tie." She crossed her arms and pouted.

"…Have we always had a tie dealer?" Klaus asked.

"Nope." Isadora took a quick bite of enchilada. "That's just something he started doing last week. It's only a matter of time before someone shuts him down."

"Hey, better to be dealing ties than drugs." Violet shrugged.

"Don't be so sure of that. They're not part of the regulation uniform, and yesterday, two girls got into a fight because one of them wanted the other one's tie." Duncan shook his head and sighed. "Girls on this campus will fight over everything."

"Is that why there's hair all over the place?" Klaus asked. "Because they pull each others' hair out?"

"Yeah. Someone gets their weave ripped out at least once every couple weeks." Isadora shuddered. "And the janitor doesn't always sweep it up, so the hair has a chance to clump together and blow around. Ever see a tumbleweed? It's like that, but hair: A tumbleweave."

"Ew." Sunny made a face.

"That's gross." Violet's face mimicked her sister's.

"Shouldn't be that surprising to you, _Legolas_. You shed like a dog." Klaus poked Violet's arm.

"Oh, look who's talking." Violet picked a stray hair off the shoulder of Klaus' blazer. "You're covered in stray hairs. It's like living with Chewbacca."

"Yeah? Your hair clogs shower drains."

"Guys, come on." Duncan interrupted. "We get it, you both shed. Cut it out."

"Sorry." Violet and Klaus looked down at their dinners.

"Now, we need to hurry up and finish eating." Duncan looked at his watch. "Nero's gonna start his concert early tonight, which means he's probably going to make a 'speech'." He made air quotes around the word 'speech'.

"Ugh." Klaus groaned. "That's the third one this week."

"I wish he would stop making speeches. All he does is yell about how he thinks minorities are ruining the country." Violet let her head fall forward against her fingertips. "How does a racist jackass like that even get hired as a vice principal?"

"Because this is a bad school." Isadora bit into a carrot as if she were biting off the collective head of mankind. "Seriously, it's not even accredited. Duncan looked it up."

"…Wow. This place just gets worse every day."

"I know, right?"

"Only thing we can do is accept it, and wait until graduation." Duncan said through a mouthful of enchilada. "Then we're free and clear."

"How long until graduation?" Klaus asked.

"Five or six years, give or take."

"…Damn it."


	12. Instagram Queen

**I don't own ASOUE, but I do own Emily.**

* * *

"You bitch!"

"YOU'RE a bitch!"

"Skank!"

"Road whore!"

The Baudelaires and Quagmires collectively rolled their eyes at the ruckus coming from the other side of the cafeteria. It had only been two days since the last fight had broken out, and they were growing very tired of the violence.

"Looks like Carmelita and Emily are fighting." Isadora sighed.

"Again." Violet added with a bored groan.

"Emily's gonna lose what's left of her weave." Klaus deadpanned. "I'll bet this applesauce." He pointed at the small cup of applesauce on his lunch tray.

"Done." Sunny mumbled, which meant something along the lines of, "I'll take that bet." She and Klaus shook on the deal.

After watching the fight for ten more minutes, there was a faint ripping sound and a scream.

"Pay up."

Sunny eagerly handed Klaus the applesauce next to Violet's tray.

"This is getting boring." Duncan yawned and moved to get up. "I'm going to the computer lab, does anybody want to come with?"

"I do. As entertaining as it is to watch them fight, I've had about enough." Violet got up out of her seat and picked Sunny up.

"I'll go too." Klaus got up and picked up his tray.

"I'm always up for lab time." Isadora followed suit. "Let's go."

The four of them bussed their trays and headed to the computer lab.

Once they were settled in and gathered around a computer, they let themselves relax. Since they were the lab's only occupants, it meant that they could do whatever they wanted, which in this case was looking up internet memes of the past on Google Images.

"Ooh, Bad Luck Brian!" Violet squinted to get a better look at the picture of a red-headed boy with freckles and a red sweater. "Haven't seen that one outside of Reddit in awhile."

"I like Insanity Wolf." Isadora pointed to a photo of a roaring wolf on a gray background. Duncan clicked on the 'view page' link, only to be led to an Instagram page.

"'Thetic!" Sunny shrieked, which meant something along the lines of, "Wow, pretty pictures!" The photos in question were mostly comprised of aesthetically pleasing food, sunsets, and nail art, as well as a blurry picture near the bottom of the page.

"What's that?" Klaus pointed at the blurry picture. Duncan clicked on it, and immediately recognized it as their lunch table.

"That's us!" He said, outraged. "'Look at these losers, ew kill yourselves"?!"

"Ugh, who posted this?" Isadora asked before glancing down at the username. "Oh. Of course. This is Carmelita Spats' account."

"What?" Klaus followed Isadora's gaze to blue lettering that read 'xXPinkPrincess98Xx'. "Oh."

"She posted this?" Violet looked disgusted.

"This is just an old one." Duncan clicked on the username.

The profile page was a bright, oversaturated mess filled with a mixture of meals, outfits of the day, duck-faced selfies, and many unflattering pictures of various students. The Quagmires were in at least seven of them, and the Baudelaires were featured in at least four.

The first photo they clicked was one from just a few days ago, and it was a side shot of Violet sitting at the lunch table with Sunny in the seat next to her. She was deeply hunched over as though she were picking something up off the floor, and there were obvious folds in her stomach that could be seen through her blouse. The caption read something along the lines of, 'lol U CAME 2 THE WRONG SCHOOL lmao fatass bitchhh'.

"What the fuck!" Needless to say, Violet was outraged. "Okay, fuck her, I am _not_ fat."

"There's this one too." Duncan clicked on the next photo, which was from two months ago. It was a shot of Isadora in an unflattering gym uniform, sitting on the sidelines and holding a wad of tissues against her nose. The caption read, 'lol i hope ur nose is broken dumb bitch lmao'.

"That was the day I got hit in the face with a hockey puck!" Isadora's eyes widened. "I can't believe she photographed that!"

"I can." Duncan clicked on another photo from the previous week. This time, the subject was Klaus, seconds after being hip-checked by another student. This time, the caption read, 'lol sucks 2 be u lmao TWEAKER BITCHHHHHH'.

"That's fucked up." Klaus shook his head in disgust. "Why would she post this stuff on Instagram of all places? And where the hell does she get off, calling me a tweaker?!"

"Because she's a bitch, and that's what bitches do." Isadora sighed. "We're not the only ones she's done this to, but we seem to be her favorite subjects."

"Why is she even allowed to do this?" Violet asked.

"It's a personal Instagram account. The school can't really do anything about it. Besides, even if they did find a way to punish her, she'd probably still do it. That's just the kind of person she is."

"They never punish her for always having her cell phone out, even though we're not even supposed to have them in the academic buildings." Duncan scrolled down the page and stopped with the cursor resting over a photo of a bright pink, sparkly iPhone case. "I never could figure that one out."

"Actually, she got detention for it when we first started here." Isadora interjected. "She skipped, and kept doing it anyway. Now the teachers don't even bother."

"Funny how the only rules they actually enforce are the ones that don't make any sense." Klaus grumbled.

"I guess they got a lot of shit from parents about punishing their little angels." Violet rolled her eyes. "Because enforcing rules is child abuse, I guess?"

"And these rules aren't?" Klaus raised an eyebrow.

"No use trying to figure out Nero's logic." Duncan shook his head in resignation. "To be honest, I'm pretty sure he's on something."

"Ugh." Sunny grunted, which meant something along the lines of, "At this point, it wouldn't surprise me."

The bell rang, signifying that lunch was over.

"Shit." Violet groaned. "Well, it was nice while it lasted." She picked Sunny up and pushed her chair in. "We'll see you guys at dinner."

"See ya."


	13. SORE

**I don't own ASOUE.**

* * *

"So what do you think they'll be serving this morning?" Isadora asked as she and Duncan made their way to the orphans' shack. They were carrying out their normal routine of meeting the Baudelaires for breakfast.

"Soggy hash browns, burnt sausage, and runny scrambled eggs." Duncan replied.

"That's disgusting."

"You know I'm right on the money."

"Still: Ew."

"Hey, don't blame me, sis. Blame Sodexo." Duncan held up his hands defensively. Isadora scoffed and shook her head. "It is pretty gross, I'll give you that."

"Almost as bad as Aunt Marge's cooking." Isadora shoved her hands into her pockets and cracked a small smile. "Remember the Easter ham salad?"

"Oh God. Don't remind me." Duncan grimaced. "You're gonna make me lose my appetite."

"Eye for an eye, bro." Isadora snickered as they turned off the paved pathway and headed toward the orphans' shack. "Hey, do you think the Baudelaires are okay?"

"Yeah, why?"

"Well, you remember last night. Olaf had them skip out on the concert."

"What do you think they were doing?"

"I don't know. I hope he didn't hurt them."

"I'm sure they're okay."

They approached the shack and knocked on the door.

"Guys, it's us." Isadora called.

No answer.

"C'mon, open up." Duncan pounded on the door. Still no answer.

"Do you think they left without us?" Isadora asked.

"They wouldn't do that." Duncan shook his head dismissively. "C'mon, let's check the back."

The triplets turned to their right and rounded the corner of the shack. They were expecting to see nothing but dying grass, but instead, they found their friends.

All three of them were in varying states of unconsciousness, and drenched in sweat. Violet was slumped against the shack with her jacket, shoes, and tights nowhere to be found. Klaus was lying facedown in the grass a few feet away with his head resting on his forearm. His blazer and shirt had been flung at the wall, and his left shoe was missing. Sunny was splayed out on her back with her head against Violet's calf.

"…Wow." That was all Isadora could manage.

"What the hell?" Duncan looked confused and somewhat appalled. He knelt down next to Violet and gently shook her shoulder. "Violet. Violet, wake up."

Violet groaned and turned her head away from him.

"Hey. Wake up, it's time to go to breakfast."

Her eyes fluttered open and she stared blearily at the Quagmires.

"…The fuck do you want?" She slurred.

"We're here, just like we said we'd be." Isadora said. "Y'know, for breakfast?"

"…Oh, shit… I forgot about that…" Violet groaned and dug the heels of her hands into her eye sockets. "Fuck. Help me up."

Duncan and Isadora grabbed hold of Violet's arms and hoisted her to her feet. Sunny protested at the prospect of her pillow being gone, but quickly went back to sleep.

"Hey. Wake up." Violet nudged Klaus' bare ribcage with her toe. He groaned and curled into the fetal position. "Come on. Let's go."

"Sleeping. Fuck off." Klaus mumbled into his arm.

"Get up." Violet bent over, grabbed Klaus by the arm, and rolled him onto his back. He groaned again and shielded his eyes from the sun. "Come on. Put your shirt on and let's go."

"Do I have to?"

"Yes, you do." Isadora said. Klaus' eyes snapped open and he sat up.

"Oh. Hi, Isadora." He crossed his arms to cover his chest. "Didn't see you there." He crawled over and retrieved his shirt.

"Hi." Isadora tried to ignore the dirt smudge on Klaus' stomach as he pulled his shirt on.

"Maybe you guys should change clothes first." Duncan eyed the sweat stains on Violet's shirt and then looked at his watch. "We've got time. Why don't you put on some fresh clothes?"

"Gladly." Violet leaned down and picked Sunny up. "Klaus, come on."

"I just put my shirt back on."

"Go on, we'll wait for you." Isadora waved one hand dismissively. "Besides, those sweat stains aren't going to win you any friends with the rest of the school."

"Screw you, Isadora." Violet yawned.

"Love you too." Isadora opened the door to the shack and gestured for them to go inside. "Seriously, go change. You guys smell like a locker room."

"Fair enough." Klaus shrugged. He walked toward the entrance of the shack as he removed his shirt.

A few minutes later, the Baudelaires emerged from the shack dressed in clean clothes. They had cleaned themselves up the best they could, and they had combed their hair.

"Getting real tired of these fucking crabs." Violet muttered. Duncan noticed that she was holding her shoes, and one of her toes was bleeding.

"Forgot your noisy shoes?" He raised an eyebrow. Violet nodded and sat down to put her shoes and socks on.

"Yeah, we did." Klaus followed behind, holding Sunny. "Seriously, fuck those crabs."

"Amps!" Sunny shrieked, which meant something along the lines of, "One of them just tried to pinch my little toe off." She let out an irritated huff, stuffed her thumb into her mouth, and reclined against Klaus' shoulder. He patted her back and gave her a peck on the forehead.

"So, are you guys ready?" Isadora asked.

"I guess so." Violet finished tying her shoe and stood. "We'll tell you about last night while we walk."


	14. Migraine

**I don't own ASOUE.**

 **Warning: ASOUE and Walking Dead spoilers.**

* * *

The Baudelaires continued to decline as time went on. They had only endured a few nights of S.O.R.E., but the Quagmires could tell that it was already taking its toll. All three of the Baudelaires had trouble staying awake long enough to eat at meals, and as a result, all three of them had lost weight. Their eyes were constantly sunken and ringed by dark circles as well.

On top of all that, at lunch one afternoon, Isadora noticed that Klaus would not look up from his tray. His head was resting in his hands, and he kept massaging his temples.

"What's wrong?" She asked before glancing over at Violet. She was groggily poking at her food with a fork and propping her head up with her other hand.

Klaus slowly looked up at Isadora.

"What?" He mumbled. He was squinting.

"Are you okay? You look like something's wrong."

"Oh. No. It's just a migraine." He took his glasses off and dug the heels of his hands into his eye sockets. "I get these a lot."

"How long have you had it?"

"About 2 days." Klaus covered his eyes with one hand. "This one's worse than the others. Usually it just feels like I'm Glenn being bludgeoned by Negan, but this one is like the little face hugger from Aliens is coming out of my skull instead of my stomach."

Isadora's jaw dropped.

"Dude, that's not good."

"Yeah, I know. But I can't really do anything about it." He shrugged. "I tried water, didn't help. Can't eat because I'll throw up if I try. I don't have any medicine, so I can't do that."

"The nurse might."

"I doubt it."

"Trust me, she has medicine. When I got hit with that hockey puck, she gave me ibuprofen for the pain. I'm sure she can give you something."

Klaus was silent for a moment.

"Okay, fine. You win." He started to get up. Isadora followed suit.

"Come on." She walked over to his side of the table and put her hand on his back to steady him. "Duncan, I'm taking Klaus to the nurse."

"Have fun."

As they walked through the hallway, Isadora occasionally stole glances at Klaus. He had claimed that he was fine, but his skin was very pale, much more so than usual, and he would occasionally stumble a bit.

Finally, they reached the nurse's office, and sat down in two chairs by the corner of the empty room. Klaus laid his head down on Isadora's shoulder, and she put her arm around him.

"Next!"

"That's us."

They stood up and walked through another door labeled 'Nurse'. Inside, there was a small Indian woman wearing burgundy scrubs and a gray cardigan with a name tag that read 'Nurse Kira Patel'. When she stood up to greet them, they could see that she was not much taller than Klaus.

"What seems to be the problem?" Nurse Patel asked as she ushered Klaus and Isadora to a vinyl bench against the wall.

"I have a migraine." Klaus answered. "I'm sensitive to light and sound, I'm dizzy and nauseous, and my vision is blurry."

"Any other symptoms?"

"I'm seeing flashing lights, and most of the pain is concentrated on the right side of my head."

Nurse Patel nodded.

"Okay. I'm going to take your temperature and check your pupils. Remove your glasses, please."

Klaus did as she asked and handed his glasses to Isadora as the nurse took his temperature.

"99.4." She read off the thermometer. "You have a low-grade fever, but nothing you should worry about." She reached into her pocket and pulled out a penlight. "Follow the light, please." She turned the light on, and Klaus immediately recoiled.

"What's wrong?" Isadora asked.

"I think I'm gonna be sick."

Luckily, Nurse Patel was a quick thinker. She grabbed a nearby garbage can and shoved it into Klaus' lap, and not a moment too soon. He immediately hunched over and began to heave.

Isadora didn't know what to do. Should she hold his hair back? Rub his shoulder? She had never been in this type of situation before.

She eventually settled for resting her hand between his shoulder blades and occasionally moving her hand up and down in a comforting manner.

After a few more minutes, Klaus was still. He seemed to be done, but he wasn't letting go of the garbage can.

"How are you feeling?" Isadora asked gingerly.

"I'm vomiting into a trash can, Isadora." Klaus groaned. His voice was raspy. "What do you think?"

"Fair enough." She shrugged. She handed him his glasses as Nurse Patel handed him a small plastic cup of water.

"Small sips." The nurse instructed. Klaus shakily brought the cup to his lips and drank the water slowly. "Will you be all right if I give you two ibuprofen?"

"I think so." He nodded. "I feel a little better, I guess. I'm not quite as dizzy now."

Nurse Patel nodded.

"Take these two ibuprofen, and make sure you eat." She handed him two small pills, and he accepted them. "Drink lots of water, and make sure you get plenty of sleep tonight."

"Yes ma'am." Klaus mumbled.

"Now go on back to lunch, you two."

"We will."

* * *

Klaus' migraine continued for another two days. By the time it finally broke, he and his sisters had endured eight nights of S.O.R.E., and were no closer to figuring out Olaf's evil scheme than before. Their class participation had stopped completely, and their assignments were untouched.

To add insult to injury, they had just received word that they were going to be forced to take a comprehensive exam, and that if they did not pass, they would be expelled. The Quagmires had volunteered to do the running exercises that night, not knowing that it would lead to their own kidnapping by Olaf and his associates.

It was a highly regrettable turn of events, but as you, dear reader, ought to know by now, that's just how the story goes.


End file.
